How do you grieve for a life that was, in reality, lost to you many years ago? Is it even right to grieve and what is it we are crying for? This is a question I guess I’ll have to deal with more and more now and, to be honest, I’m at a loss to know what is right and how to feel.
As we get older we slowly but inexorably lose touch with people who once meant the world to us. Connections fade and become frayed, people move on .. and yet, when you meet at some funeral, wedding or memorial service it’s as if the years fall away and there you are again. Laughing at the same jokes, sharing a spliff or a glass of wine, falling again into the shorthand that once made communication so easy. You keep in touch through facebook, you hear bits and pieces of news, but you still rely on friends to keep you in the loop about illness, death and tragedy.When that loop fails, and someone dies that you haven’t expected, you’re unprepared and unsettled and what’s worse you can’t process and deal with it in the normal way. A sudden sense of isolation and disconnection intensifies your feelings. Grief for the loss of a life becomes intermingled with sadness for the loss of friends and the loosening of ties and connections.
My first serious boyfriend died in the early hours of Friday morning at his home in Brazil with his beautiful wife and son by his side. The last time we saw each other was at a gathering to mark the 20th anniversary of the death of his best friend. We, along with a tight group of 4 or 5 others spent a year in a golden haze of youth, surf and that special intensity that comes with being a teenager and ‘in love’. I was 16 or 17, he was 17 or 18, I had yet to do my HSC he had just started Uni, we had the same friends, we went to the same parties, our lives as yet untouched by anything of any great importance. We smoked pot, we hung out, we talked and laughed and partied and drove up and down the coast, we lay on the beach, we spent New Years Eve at Blueys Beach growing up amongst the sand dunes. And that was that, we broke up with no great dramas and gradually over the years everyone moved onto other lives and other countries.
So now he has left and my world is, in reality, no different. Yet I’m grieving and it’s just a bit overwhelming.. Why and for what do I mourn? Selfishly for my own lost youth? For the indescribable loss of a father and husband – certainly. For the loss of a mate, brother, son. If anyone (and you’ll know who you are) reads this, know that I am thinking of you and that I care deeply for your loss.
Perhaps my sadness has also to do with the fact that I didn’t know he was bravely battling cancer and that I lost the opportunity to contact him and send support to his family and to him before he died. Sad that I didn’t contact them, sad that no-one told me and sad that someone may have thought I didn’t care.
I also feel I should apologise to his wife and son for even writing this – this is not my day to mourn, it’s yours and yours alone, and my heart goes out to you now and for the future as you rebuild your lives without the one who meant the most to you.
So I guess I’ll just say ‘goodbye’. I’m glad that when I look at fading photos those golden days seem so perfect and remain unsullied by the years in between. I’ll go to Palm Beach one day soon and when I do, I’ll sit for a time as I have before and think of you and the others we have lost.
Filed under: getting older
That is beautiful Kristin. I am sure you will cherish all those wonderful memories forever. XX
Oh honey, don’t ever think you don’t have the right to grieve. This loss is not just a loss for his family but a loss for everyone who ever knew & loved him. You have every right to mourn his passing & to have some small regret that you did not have the opportunity to share with him how much he meant to you… this person is a part of who you are. Their passing is, in a way, an end to that. A part of your formers years now no longer has the opportunity of a chance future encounter for laughter, affection & reminiscences. Last year an ex of mine from years ago also lost his battle with cancer. I only learned just before the end & was toying with whether I had the right to impose upon his family & send my love, when I received word of his death. I rang my parents in shock. I cried. I shared memories with mutual friends & laughed. He had helped me learn about myself, about love, about life, about other people, he helped me learn about the utter brilliance & the inherent flaws in all of us. For me, one less star shone in the world. Today, it is one less for you. If you want to grieve for him, for his family, for his friends, for your mutual past together, to bear your heart in loving memory of a special man, then I say do so & take pride in it. xxxxx
Beautiful post. My Mum passed away nearly two years ago. Still haven’t grieved. Wondering if it’s coming or whether it never will. My Mum was 76 when she died so to see and meet people was such a shame it only happened then. And not before. Great post K.xx